I’m jealous.

When I see how her face lit up when I ventured to ask her about him; the soft split of a smile that I know will happen no matter how she tries to hold it back, and the way her eyes stared past the diner table into a realm that only she can witness its beauty… I know I’ll be jealous for some time to come.

And her most recent blog entry spells out her every sweetness and warmth, and one could see how deeply plunged she is into this thing that we call love (well maybe not that deep… or maybe so, I dunno, and I don’t think I’ll ask her).

I’m worse than jealous (for a moment, I think)… I’m envious.

And it makes me regret myself (as if I don’t have enough of that), and what I should’ve done if I’m not such a complete and utter fool.

Regret is a painful thing to carry, and with this recent crapload of conscience and exam depression (which is rather non-existent right now, but it will soon), I think I’m gonna crack.

…ok, I won’t. If it somehow sounded like I’m going through a phase of emotional agony and immense frustration, well, I’m not. I’m just being a whiny idiot (for a change, though I believe the change is not large. I’m always whiny).

And if I somehow made it sound like all these stints of jealously are due to my affection for this ‘her’ that I’ve mentioned above… well, FYI, I’m not.

My jealously is due to her getting a BF right now (and if you don’t know what a BF is… well, it’s Big Foot. (>^-^)> LaMeNeSS <(^-^<) ). Mind you, I’m very happy for her… just that I can’t help but feel… you know…

But no, to be truthful, the biggest thing that hit me during the revelation of her getting a BF (still dunno what it is? It’s Blasphemous Fidelity) is that courage and honesty that brought them together. Because if it’s one thing I lack (in this pathetic situation I’m in), it’s that courage and that honesty. To just tell… to just say what’s there to say. To know what’s there to know. And to accept what’s there to accept.

I’ve been afraid to tell. I’ve been fearful to know. And I’m dead chickened-out to accept what other consequences that I might accept.

Easily put: I’M A FUCKING COWARD.

But somehow, I mean, strangely obvious somehow… I can’t help but feel that this; all this, in a way, unlocked a couple of doors. Doors that I kept closed and willed to close. Now they’re casually open, waiting me to just walk in and ignore whatever consequences that lies beyond.

I saw her today, and I had a burst of notion to just grab her hand and lead her somewhere, and then tell her. Cook up a cheesy line or 2, and try and make it sound as cool as possible (though I’m dead certain that I’ll stutter like mad they day I do), and just tell. Screw whatever’s coming. Come what may. Que Sera Sera. D.G.A.F (don’t give a fuck).

But I didn’t (of course, or this blog entry would sound waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different). Why? Well, it’s obvious, no? Starts with a ‘C’ (note that it’s capitalized) and finishes with an ‘oward’. Add ‘ice’ to the end.

And there’s always the possibility of mine having that notion is due to a burst of reckless inspiration the derived from my so mentioned jealousy, so no, not doing something reckless… no…

But sometimes being reckless is the thing… Sometimes recklessness can get you some places that careful thought wouldn’t (like going bungee jumping… I mean, what the heck? In the immensely rational mind diving off a bloody bridge with nothing but a length of bouncy rope attached to your feet is damnation spelled Suicide. But well, one can have some reckless fun. Geronimo!)

Still, the doors are still left open and unlocked…

Perhaps, one fine day, and soon, I’ll become reckless…

For the time being, I should just study for my exams (and I’m fucking blogging. Shit).

Goodnight people.

Word of the day:

insouciant
Marked by lighthearted unconcern or indifference; carefree; nonchalant.

(Insouciant is I)

Song of the day: Sokabasu (freckles) by Judy and Mary (Samurai X original soundtrack).