It's funny to think that I'm here, finally able to blog, sitting in front of a less competant PC at the college CIT and downloading advertisements that're way too large and far too long to copy (why are things way harder to deal with when it comes from Sheetal?).

I'm utterly sleep deprived at the moment, owing to the cascade of assignment deadlines that are relentless as they are insane, and it's rather a miracle that i can type under the weighty influence of a can of RedBull and a lot of bullshit from teammates that annoy the veins out of me. I haven't been updating in a while, and i guess i won't justify myself with reasons i'm sure you know... that is if you know me enough. I best spare you the cliches i use in my vindication. Let's just say that i'm busy enough to shun away from a few blissful hours of blogging.

i'm surprised i haven't puked out a murderous amount of blood at the moment, and if you're one who is weak of mind and heart you'll most probably try and find various ways to utilise your bottle of Dettol that can cause you grievious bodily harm if you're here in my place. Pardon the pompousity; this is mere pressure and strain from a few days of crazy assignment workloads and horrendously irresponsible teammates, and honestly nothing compared to whatever mid-life crisis some poor individual might be under. But things are getting very out of hand at the moment, and if i survive this gallow of bloody-as-hell assignments i'll treat Michelle to Nando's and Eragon.

Meh, what am i to complain about? This is brought upon myself; hammered down by my own laziness and perpetual procrastination habits that never does seem to learn. What's crappy enough is that my usual teammates are also subject to such irresponsibility (even more so than I), and things never does get a head on unless I start panicking enough to start work. It's as though the word incentive and initiative never existed in their dictionary (maybe it doesn't, i mean, once you think of their grasp of the english language) (man, i'm mean).

Now i face 2 deadlines and incomplete work that doesn't look like it even started. Ladies and gentlemen, i present to you my Death in glorious Technicolour and Dobly 5.1 surround. Popcorn sold at the outside booth.

It sucks. Someone taser me at the balls. No, just kidding... really...

How often do you get someone telling you that “you need to get a grip of your life”?

As far as I can remember, or even if I do try to remember, those words have been shovelled into my conscience just as much a juvenile delinquent would receive from doting parents. Every time it struck the heart, sinking a rusted anvil down my gut. It was funny how I wouldn’t develop immunity towards it, much as I often do to things that were constantly bulldozed over me, and the familiar feeling would clog my throat until I mentally whisper enough consolation to myself. Consolation... hah! How proper that word fits… I console myself that I need not rise to grasp my life into perpetual order. It’s pathetic.

Yeah, perhaps it’s about time to grab life into a Russian chokehold and drop it with a German suplex. Much as I hate to admit it, I am a pampered brat. Pampered by the existence of a maid, and pampered by my own optimistic thinking… words that I fill myself with that tell me that life would in fact unravel peacefully like red carpet, and all I have to do is strut like Jude Law towards the opening night of Cold Mountain. I’ve allowed sheer naivety to govern what I decide, and haven’t most of my decisions faltered shatteringly into shards of disappointment?

My brother had issued me the newest “you need to get a grip of your life” line a few days back, successfully drenching me with a cold bucket of reality and realisation, after dad nagged me for not getting my hair cut over the week when I promised I would by Thursday. I’ve been telling myself that there were circumstances to my not going to the barbers, but all I did was feeding me with concocted excuses for jumping into decisions that were selfless in a less fancy manner. And after that I didn’t what to think. I didn’t know what to tell myself. I was, once again, in a loss of answers.

And until now, I haven’t even answered myself.

I still haven’t overcome my pride and admit my arrogance to tell myself that my life needed a whole new overhaul.

People, as far as I saw, find it hard to change. It is always easier to raise a barrier than to break it, though the phrase that I should go is: it is always easier to gain weight than to lose it. To lose weight is not exactly hard, in fact (as my brother had pointed out); all you need to do is just starve yourself. But there were a few things to vault over when you intend to lose weight; hunger, temptation and habit. It’s always hard to fight hunger, just as it is hard to fend off the dangerously sweet voice of temptation. Over the years you raise your mind with habit, and stays in the vicinity of the habit without will to leave.

Healthy people would tell you that you need 3 general things to lose weight; discipline, willpower and determination. Sadly, when your life revolved around hunger, habit and temptation, those 3 things either never come or come in short temporal moments.

Just like me and life.

When they say that it’s hard to break out of old habits, they weren’t just giving a half-assed attempt at philosophy. Discipline. Willpower. Determination. These never came to me when I do things for myself.

Senseless selflessness. Someone told me that sometime.

I’ve… known the lessons and what there is to learn. Just that I’ve never gotten around learning them. Like reading your course layout, knowing the chapters and topics but never studying them anyhow (it’s what I do, until my exams). No lessons learned.

What the hell am I playing at?