Outer Sanctum Security Post NR755.

Peninsular Malaysia.

Personnel Log

Name: Cajun Hans Kar Chun

Age: 21

Status: Class 3 Transport Personnel

Entry: 2317 Hours, 19^th September 2011, Wednesday.

I’m surprised to find this computer working. NR755 was one of the first Outer Sanctum post to be attacked during the March 3^rd upsurge of the Demented, which destroyed half of the western shore in the peninsular. No one survived the attack of NR755, though the entire place is still in one piece… most of it, anyways. Marco said the sanitary pumps were busted, and the toilets are not to be flushed unless you want 5 tanks of excrement to ooze out of every pipe in the facility. He’s working on repairing it with Jim now, and advices that we avoid eating anything laxative for a day or two. The power generator is running fine, and just later the tech guys managed to have the entire mainframe system running. This computer is better than I expected; the previous user, Lawrence Hanky, somehow managed to install Counter-Strike into this baby. He even managed to stuff a bunch of VIVID DVD videos and some Playboy Playmate specials in one of the drivers. Some of the guys are coming over with flash drives to see if they can copy it over to their bunks. Too bad the broadband system is out, or I could’ve e-mailed Emily. She’s in the 17^th Guang Zhou Settlement at the moment, and I heard the food there is good. Beats our frosted Canai bread (standard military ration). I’ll give her a call when the satellite phone system is up.

NR755 is larger than I expected, though I know it’s the largest security post in the western shore, which was made to accommodate 200 or more soldiers. There’re 15 bunkers surrounding the main building, which is an unusual facility of sorts; us lower ranking officers are unauthorized to enter. All this within the walls, of course. The rooms are great, by the way, apart from the blood stains at Robbie’s mattress (which he didn’t care sleeping on, that sick bastard). It belonged to Lawrence Hanky, whom we believe must’ve shot himself either before or after he became a Demented. We dumped his body into the garbage incinerator at the southern walls. God rest his soul.

The more I look at it, – NR755 - the more it doesn’t look like a security post to me. For one thing it’s about 5 times larger than the average security posts. And then there’s that facility thingy. There’s got to be catch to it, I mean, why would several scientists from Sector 1 want to come to this forsaken post? And we’ve just transported cargo consisting of the best defense system and supplies enough to last us a good year, from Haven 65 at Kuala Lumpur. The chief’s crews were in charge of transporting some cargo that we know nothing off, and they’re immediately shipped into the facility building. Something’s rather fishy here, but I guess it’s not my business, and rank, to look into it.

When days are lonely…

I woke with a soft start this morning, prior to a peculiarly bizarre dream, in which I was attending classes in my old high school block that was miraculously set on a cruise ship. The girl I’m having a crush with is somewhat marrying an old friend of mine, Daryl, someone I used to call my best friend during primary school. I remembered saying “You both look good with each other,” (while going GARGH!!! inside) before pushing past a throng of reporters and photographers called to witness the biggest wedding of the year. I was at the ship’s lobby when a lot of weird stuff happened; droplets of water was floating from the floor to the ceiling where it formed a big bubble of water. The in burst into a heavy shower and flooded the corridors, and mice were swimming about looking fairly menacing. I was at the point of swatting at them with a yellow pipe when I woke up with my left arm completely limp. Turned out that I was sleeping on my arm, and it took a lot of lifting and finger-flexing to bring it back to function.

It was 5 in the morning. The aircond was menacingly cold, but I was feeling stuffy for some reason. I tried to sleep, but the dream came back to haunt me a little bit (especially that part where Daryl and her blushed when I uttered my line), so I sat up in frustration. In the midst of darkness, under the serene hum of the aircond and the quiet whirr of my computer, there was this sudden sense of utter loneliness. I reflected this for a while as the blood circulation of my previously limp hand stung me into total wakefulness. How long was it into my holidays now? I had spent everyday in the confines of the house, only heading out for a few chores and foods, and devoid of communication with fellow friends, save a few of those who stuck to their Internet services like rust to nails. And that’s only a few people. I haven’t been texting anyone, and no one in particular had sought the initiative to text me (not that they have reasons to, anyways). I’ve practically holed myself up for the holidays, and now it has hit me with full force. It’s going to be a very, very lonely month.

Mom skirted off to another vacation (yet again). I fetched her to the station this morning, and waited with her for the train to arrive. The sky was a canvas of depression and immense gloominess that only someone demented like Dorian Gray could paint, and it was one particular morning where the winds were being an ass for once. I watched mom’s train disappear down the tracks before making my way back to the car (and stumbling up the stairs in my haste… stupid slippers). I stopped by the chee cheong fun stall at the market for my usual morning bliss (people have coffee and toast; I have chee cheong fun with chili and chili only). It was a comforting, warm ordeal of eating and listening to gossips that I cannot comprehend, where the marketing uncles and aunties flock by to enthusiastically convey their news in a deluge of multiple Chinese dialects while picking fishballs from the steaming pot of soup.

Home soon became an empty haven. Dad and bro was off to work, and mom would be at work as well on normal days. The maid is often too busy or exasperated (by me) to keep me company and the PS2 quickly becomes old. I couldn’t bring myself to start on The Eldest, having forgotten everything from the previous book. And ever since I accidentally deleted something I’ve written halfway through, I’m rather unmotivated to write for the moment. No one to chat with, online or off. No one to play the PS2 with. No one to play badminton with. No one for anything. One shouldn’t have reasons to be bored, but I guess loneliness is an exceptional excuse.

I was even wishing that dad would come home soon.

At 7.45 he called home to say that he won’t be having dinner with me. By then the maid had already cooked for 3, so I sat alone at the dinner table watching Shaolin Soccer and trying not to waste the food. The maid retired to her slumber early, and I was left to my own solitude. Nothing was on TV, and as if I haven’t had enough of it for the evening. I was afraid to go into the room to chance for someone on the internet for fear that someone would come home and have no one to unlock the doors. Dad called just earlier to say that he’ll be late. Brother came back at 11 p.m. (while I was close to singing ‘All by Myself’ quietly at the living room), but as usual he was soon in the room doing whatever he does.

Here I sit, typing this at the laptop with Sugar Sugar from The Archies playing softly through the in-built speakers, wondering what the heck is heck and pondering what in blazes are blazes.

And this is what boredom+loneliness can do: an ugly pic :P

I’m having an urge to SMS Amanda, but stole I glanced at MSN earlier and she’s not online, so I guess she’s asleep. I’m wishing that she’d send me one of those random midnight sms-es too… those that I often regret not being awake to reply. Because for once I’m able to reply, and will very gladly do so.

For now, I guess, what’s left in to say goodnight.

Goodnight mon belle ami, and goodnight people.

Word of the Day:

opprobrium

1. Disgrace; infamy; reproach mingled with contempt.
2. A cause or object of reproach or disgrace.

Song of the Day: Sugar Sugar by The Archies.

Currently Reading: The Eldest.

Previously Finished: Artemis Fowl and The Lost Colony (personal favourite!)

*Ignore if possible. For your sake*

I noticed that I’ve been rolling my eyes behind my father for some days now. Apparently he somehow managed to take a jump at me at every opportunity possible; and by opportunity, I meant every single mistake I made, minor or large regardless of whether I’m right or wrong. Yeah, well, I can’t say that I’m not used being subject to a few nags every now and then, but things are getting so notoriously ridiculous lately it’s making the exasperator exasperated.

Take tonight for instance. I was in the toilet when my super-ultra-sensitive car alarm blared (my bro somehow managed to open the doors despite me locking it), and hence was late in shutting it off. Well it woke mom (and possibly a few neighbours) and dad came out like Clint Eastwood cocking a couple of revolvers; glint in his eyes and ready to say “You want a piece of me, PUNK?”. He asked me why I was late to shutting the alarm, and of course I said I was at the toilet. And then he said in Cantonese:

“What the hell are you doing at the toilet?”

Wha-?!?

I was about throw a handful of sarcasm, but for some strange reason all I could say was “I was at the toilet, dad.” Mmhmm, there’re lots of reasons for me to be in the toilet. A select few are:

1) Erm… nature’s call?

2) Seeking solace from the depression of a dark, realistic world by cooping up in a small little room with a stack of comic books and the lovely toilet bowl.

3) Dropping my old LEGO sets into the water tub, and see if they float or drown. Heck, I may even play Jaws with them.

4) Smoking weed, and spelling my death as I puff (he’ll skin me. ALIVE).

5) Mast- ur… erm… blowing bubbles.

Then he said:

“People in the toilet, you’re in the toilet. Always in your room, toilet, room…”

*Rolls eyes*

Ok, well, he was just back from a trip to Ipoh so I shan’t blame him for being unreasonably cranky, but what about those other occasions?

“(After distracting me with a long winded order) why’s the curtain not closed? Always forget this, forget that…”

*Rolls Eyes*

“Why is the backlight not on? Such a simple thing and it can’t be done daily…”

(Well I happen to turn it on every time I walk past for a drink before my sleep and he can’t wait until I do, which is just 10 minutes away… but oh well)

*Rolls eyes*

“(While I’m fixing a faulty component cable to the DVD player) Why is there still no colour? And I send you to school…”

(Uh, they don’t teach me about component wiring and progressive scan at primary, middle and high school. They teach me how to make musical cabinets and solve chemistry… all which are unrelated to this).

*Rolls eyes* @_@

Keep this up and I’ll have to do eye surgery soon =). Someone will like that, very much.

Goodnight people.

Word of the Day:

solace
1. Comfort in time of grief; alleviation of grief or anxiety.
2. That which relieves in distress; that which cheers or consoles; a source of relief.
3. To comfort or cheer in grief or affliction; to console.
4. To allay; to soothe; as, "to solace grief."

Song of the Day: Tong Hua by Guang Liang

Anime of the Day: Blood+ ep 46

Movie of the Day (actually, yesterday): You, Me and Dupree.

(The movie quickly falls into familiar territory, and while sweet, lacks that inspiration that normally makes an impact. The laughs only fall on the average. Owen Wilson is still cool, though. 2 ½ stars out of 5).

Currently Reading: Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony.

Currently Playing: LEGO Star Wars 2: The Original Trilogy.

Overhaul.

Haha, I found myself going at it again; making another overhaul. Apparently I tend to find myself feeling new after every end of a semester, and once more came up with a couple more resolutions. There’s no need for me to point out what will happen to them though.

The old layout is getting rather depressing now… so I opted for a change of scenery. Can’t say that I’m not satisfied with it =)

It took me a while to find the perfect layout, and THIS wasn’t the initial design that I’ve been wanting. And what do you know… after 2 days hunting about for THE layout, I found it at the basic designs page when you first choose your template. By then I’ve already done a lot to enact this new layout… let’s not waste my hours struggling with HTML just to get it right.

And I’m actually having another blog made… but I have yet to decide what to do with it. Yeah, well, I do have a plan for it but it seemed rather vague and pathetic. But I’ll leave it there… see what I can come up with.

My semester break is here, I case I haven’t mentioned it. Everyday is mundane and boring as hell, but surprisingly I’m rather cheerful these few days. Wonder why…

Well if I think back during the exams, things have been real sucky, and I didn’t do that thing that I wanted to do.

Turns out that my being so intent of doing it is the thing that made me so depressed. Lol, I guess at times depression is self-inflicted.

Anyways, I’ll keep this post short. I’ll be having something up in a couple of days.

Goodnight People!

Word of the Day:

improvident
Lacking foresight or forethought; not foreseeing or providing for the future; negligent or thoughtless.

Song of the day: I’ll Make a Man out of You, OST from Disney’s Mulan (Be a Man!)

Anime of the Day: Yu Yu Hakusho (6 pm weekdays on Animax)

New Layout.

Yeah, i'm kinda working out on another overhaul, but with my horrendous ways with HTML and whatever i'm kinda screwing things over and over.

this is not my initial pick for a layout, but before i work a few things out i guess it'll stay.

um, the profile and all... ignore it.

sorry bout the links, i'll have them back when i work it out

Yes, this is nothing.

I know I should be studying, but I guess when your brain is being incapable of absorbing anything other than a self-enacted impulse to sleep into the night; perhaps it’s time for a little diversion.

To be completely honest, it’s not like I’ve been so busy that I could barely take time to a do a little blogging, but I guess under the urgency of the exams I can’t bring myself to spend a good few hours typing. It’s like a bus ram into my conscience; I’ll end up reminding myself that I should be revising instead of uploading crappy posts online.

But tonight is an exception. I guess I earned this little session here today.

Exam week is as crappy as it always is (and I believe always will be), and it’s the same routine of reading in utter relaxation until the horror of it all strikes 3 minutes before the paper. Then I go berserk muttering profanity while trying to cram whatever I could scavenge from my notes (and forget them subsequently). Then I sit for the paper and weep silently as I watch my CGPA crumble away into bitter grains of agony and regret, and flare up a next resolution to my innate procrastination.

And I know you should’ve guessed that those resolutions end up cast into a mental rubbish bin and incinerated at dawn break.

Well, two more papers to go; one tomorrow and another on Saturday. After that is a month’s worth of doing absolutely nothing perpendicular to self-improvement (save the few occasions of attempting to finish up a planned story… that’s self-improvement, right?).

I guess I can be satisfied with my Constitutional Frameworks and Politics paper… I answered smoothly, but there was that nagging feeling that I could’ve done way better (if I had studied). A pass is imminent, perhaps, but it should border between a C or a B. My BM is alright, and English for Mass Comm… I hope I got the formats right. And for some sick reason I was actually enjoying my discussion/opinion essay. I’m not saying that I did well (goodness sakes, I’ll be happy if I get to pass with that sort of essay), but it has been a while since I was actually enjoying my exam questions since those fiction/story essays you get to write at middle-school. Funny, though. I rarely find enjoyment in opinion essays.

But my Civilization paper… ugh, I practically spelt my first fail of my entire year of studying. Perhaps I should go plant a few joss sticks at the altar…

Tomorrow, journalism paper. Which I’m freaking out at. The fact that I’m in a Journalism major is piling eventual but totally unnecessary pressure into doing well in this paper. I mean, what would my mother say?

Mom: *gasps* OMG Jee-boy, you got a C for your journalism paper? WTF HLYSH*T (insert random Hokkien profanity)!!!!!!

Me: Yeah… well, can I have a break? I mean, I’m in a love predicament, and dad’s being an ass about his aquariums and stuff and I was in a non-drug-related ethereal state that affected my ability to write. Plus my clothes had been smelly. And it’s YOUR softener’s fault!

… Nope, not a good excuse…

Ah dang, I’ll worry about it tomorrow. Time I get some sleep.

Goodnight folks.

Word of the day:

erudite
Characterized by extensive reading or knowledge; learned.

Song of the day: The ending Dragonball theme song! (Romantic kura-reru no.., Romantic kura-reru no…)

Anime of the day: Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni (When the Cicadas cry).
Note: Creepiest Anime EVER.

Currently reading: Plethora of notes, notes, text books and notes. Plus the random newspaper comics. And blogs.

I’m jealous.

When I see how her face lit up when I ventured to ask her about him; the soft split of a smile that I know will happen no matter how she tries to hold it back, and the way her eyes stared past the diner table into a realm that only she can witness its beauty… I know I’ll be jealous for some time to come.

And her most recent blog entry spells out her every sweetness and warmth, and one could see how deeply plunged she is into this thing that we call love (well maybe not that deep… or maybe so, I dunno, and I don’t think I’ll ask her).

I’m worse than jealous (for a moment, I think)… I’m envious.

And it makes me regret myself (as if I don’t have enough of that), and what I should’ve done if I’m not such a complete and utter fool.

Regret is a painful thing to carry, and with this recent crapload of conscience and exam depression (which is rather non-existent right now, but it will soon), I think I’m gonna crack.

…ok, I won’t. If it somehow sounded like I’m going through a phase of emotional agony and immense frustration, well, I’m not. I’m just being a whiny idiot (for a change, though I believe the change is not large. I’m always whiny).

And if I somehow made it sound like all these stints of jealously are due to my affection for this ‘her’ that I’ve mentioned above… well, FYI, I’m not.

My jealously is due to her getting a BF right now (and if you don’t know what a BF is… well, it’s Big Foot. (>^-^)> LaMeNeSS <(^-^<) ). Mind you, I’m very happy for her… just that I can’t help but feel… you know…

But no, to be truthful, the biggest thing that hit me during the revelation of her getting a BF (still dunno what it is? It’s Blasphemous Fidelity) is that courage and honesty that brought them together. Because if it’s one thing I lack (in this pathetic situation I’m in), it’s that courage and that honesty. To just tell… to just say what’s there to say. To know what’s there to know. And to accept what’s there to accept.

I’ve been afraid to tell. I’ve been fearful to know. And I’m dead chickened-out to accept what other consequences that I might accept.

Easily put: I’M A FUCKING COWARD.

But somehow, I mean, strangely obvious somehow… I can’t help but feel that this; all this, in a way, unlocked a couple of doors. Doors that I kept closed and willed to close. Now they’re casually open, waiting me to just walk in and ignore whatever consequences that lies beyond.

I saw her today, and I had a burst of notion to just grab her hand and lead her somewhere, and then tell her. Cook up a cheesy line or 2, and try and make it sound as cool as possible (though I’m dead certain that I’ll stutter like mad they day I do), and just tell. Screw whatever’s coming. Come what may. Que Sera Sera. D.G.A.F (don’t give a fuck).

But I didn’t (of course, or this blog entry would sound waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different). Why? Well, it’s obvious, no? Starts with a ‘C’ (note that it’s capitalized) and finishes with an ‘oward’. Add ‘ice’ to the end.

And there’s always the possibility of mine having that notion is due to a burst of reckless inspiration the derived from my so mentioned jealousy, so no, not doing something reckless… no…

But sometimes being reckless is the thing… Sometimes recklessness can get you some places that careful thought wouldn’t (like going bungee jumping… I mean, what the heck? In the immensely rational mind diving off a bloody bridge with nothing but a length of bouncy rope attached to your feet is damnation spelled Suicide. But well, one can have some reckless fun. Geronimo!)

Still, the doors are still left open and unlocked…

Perhaps, one fine day, and soon, I’ll become reckless…

For the time being, I should just study for my exams (and I’m fucking blogging. Shit).

Goodnight people.

Word of the day:

insouciant
Marked by lighthearted unconcern or indifference; carefree; nonchalant.

(Insouciant is I)

Song of the day: Sokabasu (freckles) by Judy and Mary (Samurai X original soundtrack).

Good things come in handfuls…

You know, it’s often very difficult to find someone who understands you. Someone you can relate to, someone to share something that you’re so familiar with, someone who can easily sympathise and empathise with your plight and pains. Perhaps that is why we so often find ourselves closer to people whom you can recognise is going through a very similar endeavour. Perhaps that is why we so often find love within people who we understand, and who understands us.

But, if you think of it, perhaps to find someone who can CARE for you… isn’t it the harder search? You can find someone who understands you, but not necessarily cares about you. You can find someone who can give you advices that are proper but never sincere, but it may be harder to find someone who gives wholehearted advices (albeit rather useless ones).

So what should it be? Someone who is almost you, or someone who loves you?

Haha, pardon my sudden outburst of nonsense, but I guess one can get carried away with a sudden bloom of thoughts. And Ju Ee had been saying that I’ve always started my entries with “I should be sleeping now but…”, so here’s to break the chain.

But if I may, and much to my apologies, go further on this subject of Understanding VS Concern, I may safely say that there’s almost no one who can understand this oddball of an idiot that is me (not that there’s anything to understand… but perhaps simplicity can be complex at times). It’s difficult, in certain times, to not have someone whom you can relate and talk to, and comprehend in return (notice that in my case, I use the word ‘comprehend’). I’ve often felt left out (feeling is useless; in fact, I KNOW that I’m often left out), lonely and utterly miserable.

No, I’m not going to deem myself unfortunate and alone, because – much to my luck – I’m very much cared for. I have a mother who’s protective, a brother who may be an ass but oftentimes caring and a dad who gives me a lot of trouble but loves me all the same. I have friends who gave me advice, helped me, made me laugh when I’m bitter and taught me things that I never knew I could learn (like playing DOTA).

I consider myself very lucky. Though one or 2 individuals who can understand my plights would do very well at most times.

What a great couple of days! I’ve never felt so elated and brimming in a while (even the Langkawi trip seemed to had served to mock my sorry existence). I’ll just call myself fortunately fortunate. They say good things come in handfuls (or showers, cascades, plethora, avalanche, Christmas, the toilet and the likes), and indeed they have… though one can’t really shake away the few stubborn bad stains that stick like a persistent love grass to someone’s sweat pants.

So the good things are:

1) A great day with Rachel.

2) I finally managed to fix my laptop’s resolution problem. Thanks to my pal Ryan here (next chee cheong fun is my treat).

3) A WIFI internet router doesn’t cost as much as I thought, so I may be able to coax my dad into getting one (FINALLY! To be able to use the net without fear that my bro will suddenly take over and disrupt my surfing. And I get to watch por-… er… porcupine documentaries).

4) The new Artemis Fowl book is out (*confetti*).

5) The fact that I will be getting the above said book in a month’s time (*champagne*)

6) Watched Russell Peters and had the best of laughs.

7) Animax is here. Been watching it every time I managed to get my hands on the remote.

8) Ate the best Yong Tau Fu EVER! Ampang yong tau fu? Meh. Puchong Yong Tau Fu? Now we’re talking <(^-^)>

9) Bro got great results for his exams! WOOOOoooooTTTtttt! (he even got a full scholarship at another college! Man I’m jealous…).

10) I’m writing with VIBE. It’s been a long while.

… and the crappy things:

1) Dad’s constant nagging about bro’s decision to continue his PT work when his classes start.

2) Dad’s horrendously troublesome and somewhat tedious (recent) passion for having as many fish-habitants as possible and fixing up the most complex and beautiful settings with them.

3) Dad’s method of fixing things that are not broke.

4) Dad using the most complicated methods to fix the simplest thing.

5) Dad’s “you don’t talk shit to me.” Which is getting very old, by the way.

(I can actually sum everything above under category ‘Dad’ and save a great deal of space).

6) Exams are starting in a week’s time.

7) I haven’t been studying.

8) My ‘The Matrix: Path of Neo’ game is broke.

9) Despite the VIBE, my writing is not improving.

10) My listening to my brother’s complains for almost 4 days in a row now (which isn’t all that bad, but it can get depressing).

The day with Rachel turned out to be the most fun I had in a while. We had lunch, and walked around the Bukit Bintang area looking at PC hardwares, figurines and books. And Rachel is great company; she’s a great listener (or rather, I was too talkative that day), she’s funny and she’s cheery. We had some laughs and talked a lot (though I forgot what we spoke about, but at the end of the day my throat was dry). I haven’t had a day like this since a year ago, when I went out with Amanda for a movie and lunch. I went home so complacent and carefree that I forgot to study (muahahaha).

And Rachel reads a lot (and I mean A LOT) of books, and she’s (thankfully) not one who’s only proud to stick to one certain author or series (“Harry Potter is KING! Nothing else but Harry Potter!” “Hey, hey, you gotta read Narnia man, I mean, it’s like, NARNIA!” Whatever). For the first time in my life, I’m being pointed out about books and authors instead of me doing it.

Note: I’ve met with people who are exasperatingly and annoyingly proud of ONE certain author or book series. They don’t read anything else, and they think that those series or authors are the epitome and lord of literature (it’s true, that’s what they announce to every person unfortunate enough to listen to them). Come on, I mean, they ARE good, but heck to denounce everything else as crap and their favourites Kind of Novels… I have only one word: you suck. You don’t know what the heck reading is in the first place. And heaven knows how fucked-up it is when you go around talking about the same novel and praising it until your saliva depletes. Sheesh.

(My apologies if you happen to be like someone above. But do understand that they had been tormenting me with immense aggravation from their constant bragging, and condemning of other books).

It’s getting late now, so I guess I’ll end it here. Happy Merdeka to my fellow Malaysians.

Goodnight people.

Word of the day:

explicate
To explain; to clear of difficulties or obscurity.

Song of the day: Rocking the suburbs by Ben Folds.

Anime of the day: Bokura ga Ita (We were there) ep 6.

Movie of the day: The Ant Bully (While somewhat imaginative and entertaining, the plot and theme fell into such stale predictability that it ruins the great setting and ideas. And perhaps one CG movie where the big name actors failed to convey life into their characters. 3 stars out of 5).