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Once more, I’ve wasted away the weekend like a half-can of Pringles chucked into a ravine.

I have not been studying for Tuesday’s mid-term, I have not attempted to start on my MPH Young Writers essay, I have not even thought of which book to review for this month’s book review competition and I have not called anyone for my in-depth report.

Instead I slept the mornings away (after buying breakfast and doing some marketing), chatted online for hours, watched a considerably good amount of Japanese anime, deleted 7 blog drafts, hunted for movie trailers and read Arabian Nights.

I should’ve asked her out for a movie instead. Wasted.

A lot people reckoned that I have not been aggressive enough, you know, in terms of hitting on her (wait… this doesn’t sound so right…), and I know I’m not. And I don’t know what I’m playing at. I hate myself.

Alright, perhaps I shall divert away from this recurring topic of posting tonight. I believe I have already arrantly disemboweled a number of you with such immense idiocy, so let’s keep the body count lower.

You know, sometimes I wonder why I can give someone advice but never seem to be able to adhere to it. I can tell someone the best possible solution over a particular problem, but when I’m toiling with the same thing I’ll find myself floundering at the surface of despair. And I can’t say that I forget about them either. In fact, the first possible explanation and answer is always there when I need one, but I never seem to be able to use them properly. It sucks. It’s like having the right keys to a door, and finding myself banging, slamming and hollering for it to open because I can’t seem to get it working.

A few days back I told a friend (via late-night SMSes), who was in sort of a love predicament, to stop dwelling in uncertainties and seek for the ultimate truth and answer. And she did, and it is my utmost delight to tell you that she found a very satisfying answer. I don’t mean to place this as a pompous brag, I mean, I just gave her something I know and it’s her choice to do it or not. Sorry if I make it seem so.

Anyways, I throw this back at myself and I discover that I’m kind of still living under the shades of uncertainty. A little instinct picked off from studying journalism, I guess I’ve come to accept that there should be no uncertainty in answering any questions asked. Uncertainties suck, and they suck like hell. Before this I was somewhat deluged by a cascade of heavy uncertainties, and those days is like being trapped in some forsaken cave-in with life leaking away from you slowly, and then you suffocate silently but painfully, and those days every single piece of answer is like a perpetual ray of hope, and you cling on to it like your life depends on its thinning tread. It’ll affect your every thought, actions and decisions. Those days were all about asking questions to myself, plunging myself into intense worry and unnecessary fear with answers that are neither true or false, and it eats the heart like termites to wood. And everything then, whatever a friend says, or a brother’s advice, or a song lyric, EVERYTHING, is like the way to sanctity, no matter how good or bad is sounds. Those times were like drowning, and you’re groping at every piece of wood hoping that it’ll keep you afloat. It’s tormenting, and it’s suffocating, literally. Bad place to get into.

A good journalist gets questions answered. No assumptions. No guesses. Plain, hard facts. And I guess that’s what people should do. Just ask. Get the answer. And be content with whatever you get. I have the confidence to guarantee that whatever answer is, whether it is to your preference or not, will definitely if not subtly give you some form of satisfaction.

Irony, perhaps, to find myself still stuck under uncertainty and assumptions when the freaking way out is right in front of me (complete with an escalator and showering confetti). While it doesn’t hurt as it used to, it still sucks to be down here. It stinks. It stinks worse to think that I have the answer out, and I’m not using it. Why? This I cannot answer. Cowardice or stupidity, I don’t know. There’s a wall I have to vault over, and I’m not making it.

… I apologize. I’ve once more steered back into the very thing I don’t intend to speak about tonight. Sorry if you’re puking with utter disdain again.

It’ll be a long while before I get out of this crap.

Ah well, at least there’s badminton to look forward to. The college inter-school sports carnival is soon, and the badminton line-up is as good as set. We’re training now, though progress isn’t all that well yet. At least the girls are improving. And there’s a glitch in a line-up which I have to settle. A very huge bug which is dauntingly hampering.

I know the chances of winning are a tad slim, but it’s competing that I’m excited about. Last year I made the team but I didn’t play, because I backed out for a senior to play instead. That time I’ve just practically picked up the racquet after a decade of not playing (and I never did play well last time), I sucked and I thought that my senior will play better. Well he did play better, but only the slightest fraction, and we got trashed. What pisses me off is myself for skulking out without trying. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve improved a great deal in a year, and now I want to compete to know my stand.

There’s no way I’ll back out this year… unless I break a bone or something (touch wood, baby. TOUCH IT).

It’s time I hit the sack. I have Wai Yee’s birthday to look forward to tomorrow =)

Goodnight people.

Word of the day: Mordant ~ Sarcastic.

Currently reading: Araaaaabian Niiiiiights….

Song of the day: Still Fighting It by Ben Folds.

Anime of the day: Blood+ ep 32.