Frustrated about myself...

She’s so close… and I have so much to say…

But the words, as usual, rust and dissipate into dust somewhere between thinking and acting.

So much for mustering every ounce of confidence I have… sigh.

I can’t get myself, really. Somehow I know all my flaws and I correct them the best I can, and yet I dwindle into despair every single day. It’s frustrating to see myself falling into the same pathetic chasm time after time, watching the hole filling until it opens the next day, and I find myself buried once more. What can I do? My fault, my flaws, my own incapability.

I wish myself back to the times when I just got to know her… we were pretty cool back then, and I wasn’t such a loser and fucked up idiot. Then the revelation hit me and I realised that I like her more than just a friend, and things snowballed downhill from there. I became a worthless cunt and now I frustrate myself with my self-inflicted suffocation and arrant idiocy.

SIGH.

It’s like waking up daily with her in your mind, with all your confidence and courage emblazoned like a banner of war, and you summon all your will to walk up to her, or get close to her, and then finding herself not noticing you, not giving a damn, ignoring you when you try to get her attention because you’re not good at it, trying to make her laugh or joke or sneer even, but in the end you made a fool out of yourself and you find despair slowly shrouding you in its misery. And you know that this is stupid and juvenile and idiotic even but you can’t help drowning under its persistent currents, and then comes the bouts of assumptions and worries and fears that can go from downright stupid to fucking crazy chicken squeezing down a gun barrel. You feel like shit, you feel like crap and worst of all you feel like a worthless loser. Then you tell yourself that it’s ok, and it’s all about spending time with her and trying and trying and trying again until you’ve said your heart and you know hers, and after everything will be alright. The next day dawns, rinses this down the drain, and repeats.

SIGH.

Man, I’m like, what? I freaking loser.


Goodnight people…


Word of the day: Imbroglio

Song of the day: Dirty Little Secrets by The All American Rejects.