An unnecessary movie review:

The Heirloom.


Alright guys, I’m bored and I ran out of ideas to post in order to sustain the life of this mediocre blog, so I’ve resorted to cheap and pathetic movie reviews in order to give this little site a spice (a bitter and tasteless spice, that is).

Well, this review is sorta based on my opinions (as most reviews do, and normally bad ones) and how much I manage to perceive out of a movie (I’ve no education and knowledge about movies and the art of it), so if I happen to type down something that you didn’t feel right or fair, just drop in a comment, ok? And please try not to flame me, not that I can’t blame you for it (and its good comment for me, considerate flaming) but avoid insulting me or my cows or anyone related to me by friendship, blood or ownership while you’re at it.

Before I indulge you with total nonsense do note that I rate my movie rather similarly to the format Yahoo! Movie does, and it goes like this:

A+ ~ Miss this movie and you DIE!
A ~ It OWNS, baby, it OWNS.
A- ~ Closest you can get to ^^
B+ ~ Memorably Memorable.
B ~ Good, worth your money and attention
B- ~ Fair, but still worth your watch
C+ ~ Ouch! But it has its moments….
C ~ C for Crap.
C- ~ Slightly worse than crap.
D+ ~ Dreadful, as Simon Cowell may put it.
D ~ You DIE watching this….seriously
D- ~ Someone murder director/producers/actors/anyone in it.
F ~OMFG HOLYSH*T@#$%&*^#@$!!!!!!!!!11

*ahem*, now to the actual review….

The Heirloom.


Language: Mandarin
Classification: U
Running Time: 1 Hour 36 Minutes
Director: Leste Chen
Cast: Terri Kwan, Jason Chang, Chang Yu-Chen, Tender Huang.
Official Site: www.heirloom-movie.com
Trailer: www.heirloom-movie.com

Asian horror, the new topping on the horror movie genre that’s now so thick and cheesy sometimes you wonder if anyone should really make another one. But hey, why not? I mean, the Americans are at it now, and even Singapore had a poke at it (with the surprisingly well made ‘The Maid,’ but that’s another review). So now Taipei is having a stab-shot at it, with the release of The Heirloom.

The Heirloom starts off with a description of something called a ‘Ghost Child,’ spirits denied reincarnation forcefully by humans who wish to master over it and gain fortune by its power, and to obtain a ‘Ghost Child’ one needs to extract a human fetus and feed its angry spirit with human blood. Sounds familiar? Well people this is instruction 101 in obtaining your very own Toyol, so copy and paste the instructions above if you wish to have a demonic baby go and steal your stingy aunt’s money (serves her right for the 50cent ang pow…) or anyone’s else if it matters.

Fast forward the description and you’re treated with a tale of an entire wealthy family hung to death, at the same time, in their very own mansion O.O. 20 years later, James, a descendant of the unfortunate family inherits the mansion. Being an architect he admired its olden architecture and decided to keep it, despite the fact that the government cultural ministry would love to get a hand on it. So he moves in with his fiancé, a professional dance performer and celebrate the move-in with their 2 best friends in the mansion. As you predicted it, strange things happen and pretty soon things got ghastly.

All the necessity of a typical Asian horror film is present here; a creepy house, a dark back-story, nerve-wrecking ambience and those darn creaking sounds. The mansion and its ambience are well made and it set the mood pretty well. But sadly, if I can point the good things in this movie, this is the only stuff you’ll probably find worth your time.

The Heirloom suffers from a confusing plotline with enough unfilled plotholes to get yelling a, “HUH??!!” O.O as the end-credits appears. You’ll be treated with dozens of things doesn’t make sense and are left unexplained. The characters too, sadly, are not developed. It’s hard to actually care for the main characters when so little of them is unexplored, even the love between James and his fiancé is somewhat 2D and their friends felt like characters thrown in for the sake of showing that our main characters are not nerdy anti-socials.

The actors did their job, at least, though not to say the best offered around. It’s disappointing to see that the good premise of the story; the hangings of the family, were dragged down by a poor execution and a weak plot. If you’re looking for a good scare, at least, and ignore a flimsy plot, you’re better off watching a tale of a pair of red shoes. At least you get some cheap scares. This movie offers nothing more than a good, fresher premise and some pretty good ambience.

Rating: C (mediocre)

Pros: An interesting premise; good ambience; some creepy moments; instructions to Make-your-own Toyol!

Con: Weak and torn plot; undeveloped characters; what, no scares?; downright confusing; been there done that asian horror.