No Offense, but...

I hate dentists.

It’s more than a mere dogmatic creed, no, my hatred towards dentists has long since escalated to beyond loathing (and possibly further beyond).

Today, my abhorrence is at someplace we call infinity. Another trip there and I’ll be sure to quote Buzz Lightyear. Throw in a third consultation and I’ll murder anyone who utters the word dentist, orthodontist and teeth. I’m serious. Dead serious.

I have many reasons to dislike dentists, and perhaps I should be well inclined to inform you first that my hatred is purely irrational repugnance over several horrible experiences. It all began when my primary 3 dental nurse harshly forced me to brush my teeth with my fingers during an annual school teeth-brushing demonstration. Hey, I was a kid, and I happen to forgot bringing a toothbrush despite 14 reminders from my mother. Big deal. The nurse must’ve had a very bad day with a guy friend and that monthly thing to scold – yes let me repeat that obviously repulsive word – SCOLD at me for forgetting a stupid toothbrush. And she wants me to brush my teeth with my fingers, something I’m feeling uncomfortable doing because I happened to be the only boy apparently dumb enough to forget my toothbrush. Hence I stated my refusal, but no she can’t have any of that. So toothpaste on your forefinger, boy, and brush like I TELL you to.

And suddenly my entire vision and sugar-coated imagery of grinning dentists swirled into a revolting painting of sneering she-devils and a rather large beaver with a chainsaw for a toothbrush. If you ever wondered what The Ring video actually reminded me of, it’s dentists.

Then there was that dentist I had a couple of years later, who didn’t do anything particularly spiteful until I had the misfortune of watching him treat my brother. Which wasn’t so bad actually, but when I look at his EYES and I was like holy shit! Is he looking like he’s actually enjoying it? My brother was there squirming in pain, panic and fear and he looked like he was having the best freaking time of his life (I was too young to analogise it to orgasm, but I swear I remember him looking like he had his third coming). It’s traumatic, man.

A psychotic, insanely orgasmic looking dentist took his place beside the large beaver, sniggering while putting on his rubber gloves with a snap. The beaver revved the chainsaw.

Today, I almost deflated into a lumpy mash of skin at the sight of the dentist and that chair. He was a balding, meaty man with a belly the size you could only get by being pregnant or consuming 5 pieces of roti canai every morning. He looked jovial and kind enough, but it didn’t stop me from refraining myself from sinking a fist into his crotch when he started work on me.

OH MY GOD IT FUCKING HURTS. Bastard.

“Don’t panic,” he said. “Relax.”

How the fuck do I relax while having something that sounded like a miniature chainsaw plunged into my mouth? (Images of beaver rather vivid here)

“Relax. Open your mouth.”

Oh my cow from the plains of Minnesota, I want to punch him.

“Oops, there. Just relax.”

Tiu nia ma chiu chee bet…

“*mumbles*”

Am I dead? What’s he saying to mom? OMG I’m dead. It explains the numbness and the light I see shining so brightly to my eyes. He must’ve dropped that whatever thing into my throat and I’m immediately killed. That’s it. I’m going on a ghostly rampage on every damn dentist in town. I swear I won’t rest my soul unless I haunt off every single…

I walked out of the room feeling like a virgin sexually desecrated by a bubbly old man, and I had to pay for it. God damn, dentists not only operate on teeth but they slit your throats as well with paper cut from a very hefty bill.

God I hate dentists.

Oh, please note that I only hate dentists while they’re working. I’m sure they’re mostly fine, respectable people with a loving family and a Mercedes Benz in their car porch parked beside a Toyota Altis. Not to mention doing a great deed to the society by solving our tooth problems (for a price) and cleaning off a cavity or 2. Props to you!

Now leave me alone. Please. For your sake…