It's time for me to change.

I've been living a life of the past. To be honest, as I stare back now into the times yester years, I discovered changes that were barely changes at all, and also changes that somehow altered myself to the worst of things. I glance back and realized that for 19 years I've basically lived the same as I had. Carefree, relaxed, a life which I'm content to be just within the comfort of my own zone. I've been taking things lightly, seeing things happily and let things come as they come, and come what may. I've been travelling down a stream and allowing the currents to just bring me as it flows, hoping that I will not strike a rock or obstacle. Easily put, I've been living a life I've lived all my life. And it wasn't, and hadn't, been a good one.

So I sit here now and ask myself, what have I actually done? What have I actually succeed in doing, or what decisions have I made to truly change this flow of living? I've already touch the age of 19, and what have I done to really show that I had actually grown or learned or experienced? Nothing. I sit here now and realise that nothing, nothing had been done, nothing had changed, nothing was succeeded and nothing was prevailed. Nothing. I've made mistakes, painful ones as well as the ones that causes pain, and I have learned noting from it. Year after year I see myself plummeting down the very chasm of despair that I cracked open with the mistake I had made, and yet I didn't pick up from it, fear it until I fear falling down again. No. I have been letting be, just leave it to the flow of the stream I say, and see how the current carries it.

I've been going on about having ideas for novels; but have I truly planned it out? My social life, to what I see now, is pathetic; faeces and mashed-up disdains that only revolve around the few people that I call friends, and the friends that treat me as a friend. Have I really ventured out to meet more, to know more, and to communicate more? No. Even among my friends I'm at a loss. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to strike a joke and I don't know how to react to the reactions that occurs. My studies, the future path I chose, is barely being held together by mere passes and strung together with the littlest of efforts. No excellent results, nothing in flying colours and everytime a disappointment to those I love and cherish. I spoke of passion and ambition and paths of fates and destiny, but have I sought mine? Have I begun to relieve myself way from the stream and walk down a path I carve myself? No.

It's time for me to change.

It's time for me to hold myself by myself. It's time for me make everthing that has been given to me worthwhile. It's time for me to venture away from the comforts of my secluded and deluded zone and seek what the world has to offer. It's time for me to succeed in something, it's time for me to complete the scattered dreams that has been abandoned. No more waiting. No more procrastinating. No more believing that things that come by can be solved with ease, no. No more.

It's time for me to grow up. It's time I make the change for the better.

It's time I put a smile into my father's face. It's time I put pride into my mother's eyes. It's time to pick up the pace and compete with my brother.

It's time for me to live a life.

And I need something to remind me. Something; a keepsake or an inventory that'll remind me of what I'm setting out for. And if given I will choose my friends, but too many times now I have depended on the arms of people to keep me warm, keep me safe and protected. I will hold it with my own capability, and I will hone my strength to keep it up. And I choose the chain I wear now around my neck, the chain that bore the God that have been my protector. It will remind me, and always will be.

And I apologize to everyone who read this, especially my friends from college, whom I presume is expecting me to post about the great party we had to celebrate the end of the semester. I am truly sorry to indulge everyone into this.

And I pray that I can change, and I pray that changes will be there for someone who seeks it like I do. Changes for the better.