Empty Imaginarium

“You know… why is it when we’re so high up, we never look higher, but keep looking down?”

“There’re just more interesting things down there.”

“And when we’re down, we just look up?”

“You mean you do that all the time?”

“I just think that there’re nicer things up here. And more, further up. If we looked”

“Well, I’m more worried about other things than what’s up or what’s down.”

“Like what?”

“Clouds dissipate over time, you know.”

Flew on my first overseas trip as a writer. One second I was awake, bleary and grumpy from the ungodly morning, and the next I was lining up at the customs booth trying to figure which thing in my pockets was triggering the metal detectors. And then I was staring at the Singapore Airlines LCD screen, very tempted to pull those airplane pranks you read about (like groaning when the pilot introduces himself, and saying “Oh my God, not him!?”). The next moment, the taxi was telling us that we were late, and drove us down to the city which I could barely take time to sightsee.

But the media briefing itself was interesting, so much that I actually secretly turned on the compact camera and recorded the thing on video (they didn’t forbid so, but I worry it’ll distract the presenter). And there’s something about looking out of the Google office window, all 38 floors up, and watch as the rain envelope and hide the city like the gentlest apocalypse.

Another moment, and I’m back in Malaysia, cursing the complicated way KLIA transit made itself to be. And, when I’m home, puzzling about the Church attacks.

Saturday I stayed home and watched movies. Sunday I went out with the gang to shoot zombies, and watched The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, which I liked. A lot. The only problem of watching it is that it’s hard not to actually try to narrate it as a written story.

That night, had a conversation (conference?) with the gang over the Church attacks. It was - when I thought about it - the first ever serious conversation I’ve had in a long, long time.

And I talked about it till late at night. I tried to talk about it with the brother before he dismissed me for sleep. I’d talk to dad but he sleeps so early these days.

I know myself as ignorant. Oblivious even. But somehow, these days, I fire up the news websites daily (the alternative ones mostly; the mainstream ones only to see if they’ve reported similarly), and I read through opinions and blogs and comments. Dad’ll probably be shocked.

I don’t know why. Maybe the whole thing’s finally got me, and ignorance is not a game to play now. And if you’re jumping in on another game, you gotta know the rules.

And you gotta know more than that. Much, much more.

Somewhere I feel like I should do something. As usual, I don’t know what to do.

But I want to do something. Maybe, or sometimes, that counts for something.

**********

It’s both troubling, when I think of it. It’s also very stupid. But most problems in the world are stupid to begin with; they started with stupidity and stupid people thought it’ll be great to spread stupidity along.

But no. It’s only a partial truth. Another way to see it is that it’s a smart move. A chess move nobody read and anticipated. Now the chessboard is in chaos and the player smiles behind the mess he orchestrated.

Think of it that way, the world seems just so much more fucked up.

Of course, this is a nascent suspicion. I said nascent, because inevitably it’ll be a conspiracy theory. Truth, by then, will blur into the wisps of the nightly clouds.

I’m not qualified to think too much of it. But it seems that there’s a hand behind the curtain that pokes the event its current state. It’s a domino effect. The pieces have fallen and now the picture is shaped.

I wouldn’t know. But I think people should see the most worrisome aspect of this. The implications will far arch and brand itself into the back of society’s hands. Depending on how this is resolved, our future will be a very different one.

My ramblings don’t make sense, but I need to get it out.

And then, afterwards, get out myself.