In the morning…

The glare was killing, the hunger staggering (had I been on my feet at that time) and the music irritating. And I thought I caught wisps of my brother singing as well. At 6 a.m. in the morning? You got to be kidding me.

I tried turning away, shifting to positions with hopes that the light would not reach my eyes. But sleeping on the top bunk of a double-decked bed 3 feet away from the dazzling light… sometimes it’s just too much. I’d plunge my face into the pillow, but if there’s something I hate while attempting to sleep under difficult circumstances is restricting my breath and ultimately suffocate myself to ‘sleep’.

And I’m hungry. Very hungry. Stomach-dissolving sort of hungry, where you can feel the digestive juice literally slopping against your interiors anticipating your very first morsel of food. Which is rather, erm… rare, if I may say, for someone of a massive gut like me (or is it the other way around?). But wait, I had not eaten anything proper apart from a late-night cup of chocolate yesterday after my late lunch/early dinner of sate. I guess that explains it.

Michelle and Amanda had dropped by yesterday for some Kajang food (possibly the only good thing in this town). We didn’t eat until 4, though, because the H.J Samuri restaurants don’t serve until then due to the fasting season. In the meantime I took them to my home, and dad even got to meet them (Michelle looked stunned at dad, and said that he looks very young O.o). We spent hours at the restaurant, eating and chatting like we always do, and then we went off to hitch Pei Ling to another restaurant and had a drink there. The girls didn’t leave until after 8, and we had time to pay a short visit to Pei Ling’s house. Perhaps the best day I had in this Goddamn holiday.

Eventually the lights went off, the music died and my brother exited the room in reasonable fashion. Sleep should’ve come in torrents of bliss, like falling into the greeting arms of Pamela Anderson as she holds me to a makeshift water pillow of her enormous bosoms (albeit synthetic ones… what’s synthetic?). But curses. Bubbles of colours were dancing around my closed eyelids, occasionally morphing into shapes that strangely resemble Powerpuff Girls. I Write Sins Not Tragedies (by Panic! At the Disco) is annoyingly stuck in my head. And I’m hungry. Very hungry. Stomach-dissolving sort of hungry, where you can fee- wait I said that before. Ignore.

Panic ran through my veins as my dick suddenly disappeared. WTF I uttered.. fuck… what the fuck is happening. It must have been my imagination I thought, but nevertheless… it is real. I’m a dickless bitch now. And without my dick, my balls hid behind my pubes in desperation to cower from the sudden emptiness.

Fuck bro, GET OFF MY LAPTOP!

*ahem*

Anyhow, sleep had eluded me, so I thought it best to wake and perhaps have a glass of milk to stifle my stomach’s groaning demands. Rachel had popped me an IM sometime at 2 in the morning, which I had not been able to reply. Sigh… I haven’t been able to properly chat with her for more than 5 minutes since the holidays, thanks to a bout of untimely bad luck. Sorry Rae. I shunned the milk idea and had a cookie instead.

It was still too early for me to drive to town and get breakfast for the folks, so I took the time to read the online Powerpuff Girls doujinshi.

Before you barf about due the idea of it, let me first tell you that it’s very much unlike the TV series (or that Demashita! PPG Z version). It’s very much darker, anime-style artwork and with a ton of other Cartoon Network characters thrown together. Can’t picture it? Let’s imagine Samurai Jack as the school gym teacher, an older Dexter who’s cool and LOOKS cool, Invader Zim who’s forced to do some servant labour and a plethora of major cameos from others like Time Squad, Megas XLR, etc. I’m glad I knew enough of them to appreciate it (it’s been years since I watch something from Cartoon Network… dad cut it from Astro years back).

I also took the time to watch the anime Michelle borrowed me… and it was… graphic …

If I said I enjoyed it, I may be severely misunderstood. Very severely.

The haze was light this morning as I drove mom to the market, and on top of Bukit Mewah the town looked like a quaint neighbourhood engulfed by fogs of a winter morning. Had my early morning bliss at the chee cheong fun stall, which was so busy I had to cut the stuff myself (it wasn’t as easy as it looked). I practically ate under people’s arm flitting above me to passing plates of their selected yong tau foo picks. I was rather surprised by the chee cheong fun auntie’s English. Pardon me firstly, for I had a shallow speculation that above middle-aged Chinese ladies selling goods/food at the morning market only know enough English to state the prices of their products. But auntie proved me wrong, because she spoke very well indeed. I wonder if it’s because a good bulk of her customers are Indian uncles and aunties.

The hustle and bustle of it all, coupled with my immense sleepiness was soon too much to bear with my pathetic blubber of a body, and by the time I got home I slept all the away into noon.

Thus ends my morning, and the beginning of a noon/evening/night as dull as grey in a shade of grey.

College is another day away, and the time table is crap this semester. Sigh.

Goodnight people.

Word of the Day:

concinnity

1. Internal harmony or fitness in the adaptation of parts to a whole or to each other.
2. Studied elegance of design or arrangement -- used chiefly of literary style.
3. An instance of concinnity.

Song of the Day: Country Roads by John Denver

Movie of the day: Whisper of the Heart (a coming of age story about discovering yourself and the hardships that follow the path you choose, all told in glorious animation and colour by the great folks of Ghibli Studio. 5 out of 5).

A random post of musings…

It’s well into midnight now, and I sit alone in the quiet serenity of my gloomy dining table (also my study table, my laptop table and my PS2 table) as I’ll Be by Edwin Mccain softly soothes my rather frustrated self. I’ve been on the PS2, having my usual romp at Pro Evo Soccer 5 and almost breaking the DVD in 2 due to immense exasperation; I lost to the same team for 3 times in a row. (Ok, I can face it. I SUCK. But the CPU is CHEAP. Dirt cheap I tell you! It’s injustice! Where art thou fair gaming?*@&#@% Konami…)

I’ll Be, the song, has a spot somewhere deep in me. A song I reserved for an occasion that my or may not come, depending on my competency. Every time it’s soft, entrancing tunes flood into my listening I’ll drown myself in thoughts of it. On some days it may become more vivid; closer and real, until its taste can grasp my vague senses… and I’ll be lost to it. Deluged under a self-concocted sweetness numbing in its wake, and blissful in its melody

(That, my friends, is what I call fantasizing).

Today was a rather peculiar day, in a way I can’t really describe. Perhaps it was a slight departure from the monotony of my dull, colourless holidays, yet everything did feel the same. The same awakening. The same food. The same form of entertainment. The same means of passing time. It felt like the usual, yet all the same unusual. Weird. I guess I’ve eaten sour Skittles a packet too many.

I woke up to a clay pot of leftover chicken porridge, which I shared with my brother while watching Lee Rock on DVD (not the Rock Lee Naruto character, but the 1991 movie starring Andy Lau). I just realised that despite having known the movie for ages, I haven’t actually sat down and watch it till the end. It was surprisingly good, I have to admit, though rather odd at times (typical of early nineties Chinese movies). A grittier and darker remake would be nice, but I concur that at times classics should be left classics.

Lunch was instant noodles with an egg… not exactly a healthy diet but I guess a poor student on his semester break shouldn’t complain much. Dinner could’ve been much better; I was initially rather enthusiastic to be able to cook sweet and sour pork (with a newly procured instant packet of the sauce), and cooking can be immensely satisfying on good days. But dad decided to come and ruin it by mixing the sauce mixture to be fried together with the pork (T-T), and the gravy is done instead with ketchup. What came out was an overwhelmingly sour + salty + sweet rendition of Cooking Gone Bad (and very shocking coming from my dad). It was horrible to honest, and I was close to barfing at every piece I forced to eat out of gratitude for my dad’s hard work. Mom complimented it after a small piece, and I never seen her touch another one after. Dad was utterly convinced that he made something innovative and good, albeit a ‘tad’ out of hand, asking me if it’s good at times and then just noting that it’s good anyways. I noticed he never actually eaten any. I abandoned after a 4^th piece, and the dish looked untouched. Great. Lousy leftovers.

(Well, the good thing is that a somehow failed attempt at a ‘salted-egg fried cuttlefish’ was completely devoured by everyone).

The 3 pieces of tofu I bought just turned bad today, thanks to a lot of dad’s interfering, so I guess I won’t be cooking anything for the week. So much for having an experimental dish in mind… sigh.

Argh, my terrapin died. The maid found it ‘white and completely severely dead’ this morning. I wonder if dad plans to get another…

Alright, it’s rather late now, so I guess I’ll be turning in. I have a movie with my aunt and cousin to look forward to in the evening (finally!). And Michelle said that she may be planning to come down to Kajang for a sate lunch with Amanda and another friend. I hope H.J Samuri is open for lunch during the fasting season.

Goodnight people.

Word of the Day:

hypnagogic
Of, pertaining to, or occurring in the state of drowsiness preceding sleep.

Song of the Day: Snow, the original soundtrack for Noir (anime).

Movie of the day: Lee Rock Part 1 (Eh… no comments).

Currently reading: The Eldest (0% progress since last reading… which was last week today).

Currently playing : Okami

Well, following Rachel’s title on this particular post:

Warning: The following does NOT bring any meaning to you whatsoever. NOTHING. In fact, watching your cacti grow at the window sill bears more significant meaning than this (be there for its first prick!). In an event where you actually found the following actually MEANT something to you, you should 1) Call an ambulance, 2) Down a bottleful of aspirin while waiting and 3) Watch the entire set of Dr. Hibbert’s Psychological Miracle! Healing Your Mental Trauma in 10 DVDs after you’re discharged. Remember, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Read with caution.

Okay, now to the subject at hand:

This post is a book survey, which had been tagged to me by mon belle ami and delightfully fascinating junior Rachel (sorry for taking so long to get it up). May I first point out that despite having a liking for reading, I’ve not exactly read a lot.

1) What is your favourite genre?

- Fantasy with a dash of Sci-fi

2) Name some of your favourite books and give some explanation as to why they are your favourites.

- The Amber Spyglass by Phillip Pullman. While the previous books in Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy are great, The Amber Spyglass is simply phenomenal. What I feel about it is ineffable… I just simply love it. At the end of it I was shouting WTF!?, and was deluged in a flood of certain wanting which could only be vaguely subdued by mindlessly surfing the net for everything about it (even fanarts). This book is classic.

- Artemis Fowl and The Lost Colony by Eoin Colfer. The newest book I’ve read in this list, possibly. I only finished it a week back or so. It has everything the previous books in the Artemis Fowl series bear: an intensely paced plot, cheeky humour and dialog, great characters and the winning mix of fantasy elements and high-tech gadgetry (all of this great enough already). What made it better was how much darker it the story got, and the plot is simply amazing IMO. And a possible love interest for our juvenile criminal mastermind? Whoa yeah!

- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K Rowling. I don’t know why I actually preferred it over the others. Perhaps because it has more action, and the tournament thing got me pretty excited. Or maybe because it seriously marked the series’ transcend into the dark territory. I don’t know.

- The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon. I have only one word for this novel: Genius. Everything, from the cover to the narrative utterly brims with it. Very well written in the perspective of an autistic boy, and the book is filled with interesting stuff like chapters in odd-numbers, puzzles and maths solutions that I understand nothing of and pictures that are just plain odd. One of the non-fantasy books that completely drew me into its world, and so funny yet scarily true.

- The Green Mile by Stephen King. I don’t know how to explain it, but this book left me shivering for a moment. Not out of fear, no (just to clarify things up, cause King’s name is more widely associated to the horror genre), but everything is just so powerful about this book. How it deals about life and death, and how it gets by with its characters and plot… I don’t think I’ll ever know why, but this book is simply amazing.

3) List 10 of your favourite authors. (I don’t think I have ten…)

- Philip Pullman.

- Neil Gaiman

- J.K Rowling

- Eoin Colfer

- Stephen King (though only 2 of his books)

- Tom Holt

- Mark Haddon

- Dan Brown

- Diana Wynne Jones (erm yeah, only 2 books as well)

- Roald Dahl (I haven’t exactly read something from him, but I know I’ll love him. I’m SURE)

(Okay there’s ten XD)

4) There's always that one book that you could never finish... what's that one book for you?

- The Harmony Silk Factory by Tash Aw. I guess people should this book as the one written by a Malaysian and it sold pretty well. It’s a good book, mind, but I’ve tried 3 times now to finish it and never got pass the first 5 chapters. It’s not bad, but after a while I found myself with a fresh fantasy book off the college library. I fear I may never finish it.

5) What book did you hate the first time you read it, but grew to love as you read on?

- The Land of the Blind (cripes I forgot the author). NOT related to an upcoming movie of the same title. I got the novel during a stock clearance at some mall, and it was RM6 for a novel (pretty damn cheap if you asked me). I didn’t read it until I went up to Genting Highlands with my uncle to help him with his shooting. At first the book was pretty darn boring, and the plot isn’t getting anywhere. And then the first funny part came, and I was laughing myself silly. Then the plot thickened into something interesting. For some particular reason the humour got me, often sarcastic, vulgar and crude, but I was sniggering off when everyone was working late into the night (they though I was reading a comedy novel, and were shocked to see that it’s a crime thriller). It didn’t end as well as I hoped it’ll be, but overall it’s good and I liked it since.

6) Which type of character appeals to you the most?

- Characters that contradict what they seem to be… how do I put it? It’s like they in one way are portrayed to be villains and evil but in another is revealed to be kind and respected all the same. Like Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter in the His Dark Materials trilogy, or Artemis Fowl. Lady Eboshi in Princess Mononoke would be the best example, but it’s not a novel…

7) Which book completely changed your point of view? Why?

- Shite I don’t think I have one that gave such an impact… let’s see… well The Amber Spyglass changed my view on how a great story should be; memorable characters that you care about, a complex and epic plot that deals with many other perspectives… how death could be viewed, about religion, or what is indeed the true good and what is true evil. My copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray taught me how words could be played, and how beautiful a sentence could be if you use the right words and the right angle. I have yet to read one that’ll change the very way I live and think.

8) Which book did you read as a child that made you fall in love with the literary world?

- I don’t think I can quite remember, but the book that got me into reading was a toned down version of The Swiss Family Robinson which my mom got for me when I was in primary 3 or so (one of those with illustrations in it, and revamped so that children can read with ease). I think it’s the first ever English novel I read, and I’ve been reading anything since.

9) Who is your favourite character of all time?

- Erm… I think I have the tendency to like every main characters from their respective novels, like Harry, Hermione, all the Weasleys, Dumbledore, Sirius, Lupin from Harry Potter… Artemis, Butler and Holly from Artemis Fowl… Lyra and Iorek from His Dark Materials… but I think my favourite is William Parry from His Dark Materials. I like his determination, his maturity when facing situations, and also his will to protect the ones he loves. Most importantly is his selfishness; that form of selfishness where he sets everything aside to save the ones he care, and also to achieve his goals.

10) Finally, who is your least favourite?

- Eh… Delores Umbridge from Harry Potter. For some reason she reminds me of my Form 5 chemistry teacher, and boy do I want to bitch slap her.

Haha, here comes the fun part where I tag the poor unfortunate souls…

1) Amanda Lee! (Roll out the Stephen Kings!)

2) Ma Dearie Diane

3) Pei Ling

4) Wai Y33

Inspired, since sometime.

I apologize for my previous post, if it somehow managed to lobotomize you and cause a few disruptions to your brain and nervous system. I don’t think you can sue me for it, but you can, of course, drop in a comment or 2. Flame, frame, blame or phlegm me all you like; I’m just glad I got feedback =)

Sorry for not updating consistently, despite my being in a holiday now. I have no excuse for it, apart from utter laziness. And Okami, which is turning out to be one of the best ps2 games ever (I’m clocking at least 3 to 4 hours on it daily). I’ll blog about it sometime, if possible. Though I guess it won’t become something of your interest anyways (as if this blog is, but I’m glad I have a couple of readers. Thanks).

I owe Rachel two tags, which I haven’t been getting around doing. I promise I’ll get it up sometime soon. Here’s my apology first, and a hopeful smiley =P

The holidays are faring better this few weeks, thanks to Okami and a few good hours of writing/typing. I have another to thank; Finding Neverland, the 2004 movie starring Johnny Depp about J.M Barrie and how he came to write the famous boy who never grew up. Hands down one of the best movies around, IMO, and well into my list of Inspirational Thingies (among Big Fish and Whisper of the Heart). The movie itself is beautiful, touching and warm, etc, but what got me most is the theme of Unlocking Your Imagination. Something Johnny Depp (as Barrie) said:

(Not in actual script. This is a vague reconstruction. Finding Neverland and script is copyright to the studio that published it).

J.M Barrie: (Johnny Depp in Scottish accent) Write about it, about flying the kite today with your brothers. Write about that talking whale.

Peter: (acted by Freddie Highmore, Charlie in Charlie and the Choc Factory and soon Arthur in Arthur and the Invisibles) Talking whale? What talking whale?

J.M Barrie: That talking whale that is bursting in your imagination. Write it down.

After the movie, I sat down in front of my laptop and got to work on the 2 junk you read below with a rekindled joy in writing.

I’ve been so often plagued by the dogmatic fear of messing anything I though out by writing it down that I’ve been afraid to write. But I guess I should take a step in writing it, make it my best and learn from it. I’ve been fearful of criticism, wanting to live in a cocoon that tells myself that my stories stay however I like it if none shall read it, and undermining the very basis of being a writer; What is a writer without a reader? What is communication without feedback, or an expression without an impression? (Pardon my immense corniness).

I’m set to improve, so bear with me =)

Goodnight people, and whoever that is reading this, I thank you.

And Mr. Barrie, thank you (though I’m aware that Finding Neverland is merely based on actual events and bears a probability to be untrue, I’m pretty sure you live by the same philosophy of imagination and you weren’t smoking weed when you wrote Peter Pan. But, I mean, a boy flying around in green leaves/tights? You leave me wondering…).

Word of the Day:

indomitable
Incapable of being subdued or overcome; unconquerable.

Song of the Day: End of the Innocence by Don Hedley.

Currently Reading: The Eldest.

Currently Playing: Okami

Movie of the Day: Finding Neverland (5 out of 5 stars. ‘Nuff said).

Outer Sanctum Security Post NR755.

Peninsular Malaysia.

Personnel Log

Name: Cajun Hans Kar Chun

Age: 21

Status: Class 3 Transport Personnel

Entry: 0016 Hours, 20^th September 2011, Friday.

I’m beat today. The Chief rounded us up to clear the unused supply crates at the facility storehouses today to make way for the transport and supplies. It was a big mess, and we’re not only dealing with supply crates. There were also cargo containers, broken machinery and two unused big ass water tanks (why it was in the storehouses still baffled us). There were several bodies too, found trapped behind wooden crates and inside most of the cargo containers. Most of them were military personnel, but we also found a few bodies that we presumed were some of the Demented killed during the March 3^rd upsurge. Jim found a poor soul that seemingly had gnawed at his own wrists till death. I figured that he must’ve been infected, but the chief said that sometimes someone can become a Demented without an infection. I couldn’t agree less.

We discarded the bodies into the incinerator alongside with a few others found scattered around the post. NR755 was said to be housing 200 or so soldiers before its capture, but there were only 32 dead bodies found and 21 of them were military personnel. I believe the remaining 168 soldiers must’ve become the Demented, and had left.

We caught up with a couple of the tech guys at the canteen who wanted some of Lawrence Hanky’s VIVID videos (which I traded in for some Pall Mall). Since they had to re-wire up the entire facility, I asked them what’s our superiors hiding from us, but they said the re-wire work was only at the basement and main control panel at the entrance which is nowhere near the interior. They hinted that their chief knew, though, which prompted me to badger the Chief later when we were parking the trucks into the storehouses, and he made me wash the bunker toilets for asking.

Carl from the infantries stopped by our bunker to trade out some booze he found at the A bunkers (a six-pack for the Playboy Playmate specials, and I threw in a Devon movie for good measure). Apparently the infantry guys know nothing about the facility too. The secrecy is bugging me somehow, like there’s some secret experiment of sorts or something. I mean, there are the scientists, and the unknown cargo we transferred. Maybe they’re working out something about the Demented, but don’t they have a lab somewhere at the Haven?

Sometime at 10 p.m. some rogue Demented hammered at our eastern walls. We could hear the howling from the bunker, and then the gunshots when the snipers picked them off. It was unsettling, and what followed was a silence that lingered like after a funeral… hymns from the great beyond. It struck me that the Demented were once humans… in fact, they are humans in every way. Just soulless, and mindless. The monster within all of us, when the mind and soul fails to govern our bodies.

I miss Emily, and I hope that she’s alright. The satellite phones aren’t fixed yet.

Outer Sanctum Security Post NR755.

Peninsular Malaysia.

Personnel Log

Name: Cajun Hans Kar Chun

Age: 21

Status: Class 3 Transport Personnel

Entry: 2317 Hours, 19^th September 2011, Wednesday.

I’m surprised to find this computer working. NR755 was one of the first Outer Sanctum post to be attacked during the March 3^rd upsurge of the Demented, which destroyed half of the western shore in the peninsular. No one survived the attack of NR755, though the entire place is still in one piece… most of it, anyways. Marco said the sanitary pumps were busted, and the toilets are not to be flushed unless you want 5 tanks of excrement to ooze out of every pipe in the facility. He’s working on repairing it with Jim now, and advices that we avoid eating anything laxative for a day or two. The power generator is running fine, and just later the tech guys managed to have the entire mainframe system running. This computer is better than I expected; the previous user, Lawrence Hanky, somehow managed to install Counter-Strike into this baby. He even managed to stuff a bunch of VIVID DVD videos and some Playboy Playmate specials in one of the drivers. Some of the guys are coming over with flash drives to see if they can copy it over to their bunks. Too bad the broadband system is out, or I could’ve e-mailed Emily. She’s in the 17^th Guang Zhou Settlement at the moment, and I heard the food there is good. Beats our frosted Canai bread (standard military ration). I’ll give her a call when the satellite phone system is up.

NR755 is larger than I expected, though I know it’s the largest security post in the western shore, which was made to accommodate 200 or more soldiers. There’re 15 bunkers surrounding the main building, which is an unusual facility of sorts; us lower ranking officers are unauthorized to enter. All this within the walls, of course. The rooms are great, by the way, apart from the blood stains at Robbie’s mattress (which he didn’t care sleeping on, that sick bastard). It belonged to Lawrence Hanky, whom we believe must’ve shot himself either before or after he became a Demented. We dumped his body into the garbage incinerator at the southern walls. God rest his soul.

The more I look at it, – NR755 - the more it doesn’t look like a security post to me. For one thing it’s about 5 times larger than the average security posts. And then there’s that facility thingy. There’s got to be catch to it, I mean, why would several scientists from Sector 1 want to come to this forsaken post? And we’ve just transported cargo consisting of the best defense system and supplies enough to last us a good year, from Haven 65 at Kuala Lumpur. The chief’s crews were in charge of transporting some cargo that we know nothing off, and they’re immediately shipped into the facility building. Something’s rather fishy here, but I guess it’s not my business, and rank, to look into it.

When days are lonely…

I woke with a soft start this morning, prior to a peculiarly bizarre dream, in which I was attending classes in my old high school block that was miraculously set on a cruise ship. The girl I’m having a crush with is somewhat marrying an old friend of mine, Daryl, someone I used to call my best friend during primary school. I remembered saying “You both look good with each other,” (while going GARGH!!! inside) before pushing past a throng of reporters and photographers called to witness the biggest wedding of the year. I was at the ship’s lobby when a lot of weird stuff happened; droplets of water was floating from the floor to the ceiling where it formed a big bubble of water. The in burst into a heavy shower and flooded the corridors, and mice were swimming about looking fairly menacing. I was at the point of swatting at them with a yellow pipe when I woke up with my left arm completely limp. Turned out that I was sleeping on my arm, and it took a lot of lifting and finger-flexing to bring it back to function.

It was 5 in the morning. The aircond was menacingly cold, but I was feeling stuffy for some reason. I tried to sleep, but the dream came back to haunt me a little bit (especially that part where Daryl and her blushed when I uttered my line), so I sat up in frustration. In the midst of darkness, under the serene hum of the aircond and the quiet whirr of my computer, there was this sudden sense of utter loneliness. I reflected this for a while as the blood circulation of my previously limp hand stung me into total wakefulness. How long was it into my holidays now? I had spent everyday in the confines of the house, only heading out for a few chores and foods, and devoid of communication with fellow friends, save a few of those who stuck to their Internet services like rust to nails. And that’s only a few people. I haven’t been texting anyone, and no one in particular had sought the initiative to text me (not that they have reasons to, anyways). I’ve practically holed myself up for the holidays, and now it has hit me with full force. It’s going to be a very, very lonely month.

Mom skirted off to another vacation (yet again). I fetched her to the station this morning, and waited with her for the train to arrive. The sky was a canvas of depression and immense gloominess that only someone demented like Dorian Gray could paint, and it was one particular morning where the winds were being an ass for once. I watched mom’s train disappear down the tracks before making my way back to the car (and stumbling up the stairs in my haste… stupid slippers). I stopped by the chee cheong fun stall at the market for my usual morning bliss (people have coffee and toast; I have chee cheong fun with chili and chili only). It was a comforting, warm ordeal of eating and listening to gossips that I cannot comprehend, where the marketing uncles and aunties flock by to enthusiastically convey their news in a deluge of multiple Chinese dialects while picking fishballs from the steaming pot of soup.

Home soon became an empty haven. Dad and bro was off to work, and mom would be at work as well on normal days. The maid is often too busy or exasperated (by me) to keep me company and the PS2 quickly becomes old. I couldn’t bring myself to start on The Eldest, having forgotten everything from the previous book. And ever since I accidentally deleted something I’ve written halfway through, I’m rather unmotivated to write for the moment. No one to chat with, online or off. No one to play the PS2 with. No one to play badminton with. No one for anything. One shouldn’t have reasons to be bored, but I guess loneliness is an exceptional excuse.

I was even wishing that dad would come home soon.

At 7.45 he called home to say that he won’t be having dinner with me. By then the maid had already cooked for 3, so I sat alone at the dinner table watching Shaolin Soccer and trying not to waste the food. The maid retired to her slumber early, and I was left to my own solitude. Nothing was on TV, and as if I haven’t had enough of it for the evening. I was afraid to go into the room to chance for someone on the internet for fear that someone would come home and have no one to unlock the doors. Dad called just earlier to say that he’ll be late. Brother came back at 11 p.m. (while I was close to singing ‘All by Myself’ quietly at the living room), but as usual he was soon in the room doing whatever he does.

Here I sit, typing this at the laptop with Sugar Sugar from The Archies playing softly through the in-built speakers, wondering what the heck is heck and pondering what in blazes are blazes.

And this is what boredom+loneliness can do: an ugly pic :P

I’m having an urge to SMS Amanda, but stole I glanced at MSN earlier and she’s not online, so I guess she’s asleep. I’m wishing that she’d send me one of those random midnight sms-es too… those that I often regret not being awake to reply. Because for once I’m able to reply, and will very gladly do so.

For now, I guess, what’s left in to say goodnight.

Goodnight mon belle ami, and goodnight people.

Word of the Day:

opprobrium

1. Disgrace; infamy; reproach mingled with contempt.
2. A cause or object of reproach or disgrace.

Song of the Day: Sugar Sugar by The Archies.

Currently Reading: The Eldest.

Previously Finished: Artemis Fowl and The Lost Colony (personal favourite!)

*Ignore if possible. For your sake*

I noticed that I’ve been rolling my eyes behind my father for some days now. Apparently he somehow managed to take a jump at me at every opportunity possible; and by opportunity, I meant every single mistake I made, minor or large regardless of whether I’m right or wrong. Yeah, well, I can’t say that I’m not used being subject to a few nags every now and then, but things are getting so notoriously ridiculous lately it’s making the exasperator exasperated.

Take tonight for instance. I was in the toilet when my super-ultra-sensitive car alarm blared (my bro somehow managed to open the doors despite me locking it), and hence was late in shutting it off. Well it woke mom (and possibly a few neighbours) and dad came out like Clint Eastwood cocking a couple of revolvers; glint in his eyes and ready to say “You want a piece of me, PUNK?”. He asked me why I was late to shutting the alarm, and of course I said I was at the toilet. And then he said in Cantonese:

“What the hell are you doing at the toilet?”

Wha-?!?

I was about throw a handful of sarcasm, but for some strange reason all I could say was “I was at the toilet, dad.” Mmhmm, there’re lots of reasons for me to be in the toilet. A select few are:

1) Erm… nature’s call?

2) Seeking solace from the depression of a dark, realistic world by cooping up in a small little room with a stack of comic books and the lovely toilet bowl.

3) Dropping my old LEGO sets into the water tub, and see if they float or drown. Heck, I may even play Jaws with them.

4) Smoking weed, and spelling my death as I puff (he’ll skin me. ALIVE).

5) Mast- ur… erm… blowing bubbles.

Then he said:

“People in the toilet, you’re in the toilet. Always in your room, toilet, room…”

*Rolls eyes*

Ok, well, he was just back from a trip to Ipoh so I shan’t blame him for being unreasonably cranky, but what about those other occasions?

“(After distracting me with a long winded order) why’s the curtain not closed? Always forget this, forget that…”

*Rolls Eyes*

“Why is the backlight not on? Such a simple thing and it can’t be done daily…”

(Well I happen to turn it on every time I walk past for a drink before my sleep and he can’t wait until I do, which is just 10 minutes away… but oh well)

*Rolls eyes*

“(While I’m fixing a faulty component cable to the DVD player) Why is there still no colour? And I send you to school…”

(Uh, they don’t teach me about component wiring and progressive scan at primary, middle and high school. They teach me how to make musical cabinets and solve chemistry… all which are unrelated to this).

*Rolls eyes* @_@

Keep this up and I’ll have to do eye surgery soon =). Someone will like that, very much.

Goodnight people.

Word of the Day:

solace
1. Comfort in time of grief; alleviation of grief or anxiety.
2. That which relieves in distress; that which cheers or consoles; a source of relief.
3. To comfort or cheer in grief or affliction; to console.
4. To allay; to soothe; as, "to solace grief."

Song of the Day: Tong Hua by Guang Liang

Anime of the Day: Blood+ ep 46

Movie of the Day (actually, yesterday): You, Me and Dupree.

(The movie quickly falls into familiar territory, and while sweet, lacks that inspiration that normally makes an impact. The laughs only fall on the average. Owen Wilson is still cool, though. 2 ½ stars out of 5).

Currently Reading: Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony.

Currently Playing: LEGO Star Wars 2: The Original Trilogy.

Overhaul.

Haha, I found myself going at it again; making another overhaul. Apparently I tend to find myself feeling new after every end of a semester, and once more came up with a couple more resolutions. There’s no need for me to point out what will happen to them though.

The old layout is getting rather depressing now… so I opted for a change of scenery. Can’t say that I’m not satisfied with it =)

It took me a while to find the perfect layout, and THIS wasn’t the initial design that I’ve been wanting. And what do you know… after 2 days hunting about for THE layout, I found it at the basic designs page when you first choose your template. By then I’ve already done a lot to enact this new layout… let’s not waste my hours struggling with HTML just to get it right.

And I’m actually having another blog made… but I have yet to decide what to do with it. Yeah, well, I do have a plan for it but it seemed rather vague and pathetic. But I’ll leave it there… see what I can come up with.

My semester break is here, I case I haven’t mentioned it. Everyday is mundane and boring as hell, but surprisingly I’m rather cheerful these few days. Wonder why…

Well if I think back during the exams, things have been real sucky, and I didn’t do that thing that I wanted to do.

Turns out that my being so intent of doing it is the thing that made me so depressed. Lol, I guess at times depression is self-inflicted.

Anyways, I’ll keep this post short. I’ll be having something up in a couple of days.

Goodnight People!

Word of the Day:

improvident
Lacking foresight or forethought; not foreseeing or providing for the future; negligent or thoughtless.

Song of the day: I’ll Make a Man out of You, OST from Disney’s Mulan (Be a Man!)

Anime of the Day: Yu Yu Hakusho (6 pm weekdays on Animax)

New Layout.

Yeah, i'm kinda working out on another overhaul, but with my horrendous ways with HTML and whatever i'm kinda screwing things over and over.

this is not my initial pick for a layout, but before i work a few things out i guess it'll stay.

um, the profile and all... ignore it.

sorry bout the links, i'll have them back when i work it out

Yes, this is nothing.

I know I should be studying, but I guess when your brain is being incapable of absorbing anything other than a self-enacted impulse to sleep into the night; perhaps it’s time for a little diversion.

To be completely honest, it’s not like I’ve been so busy that I could barely take time to a do a little blogging, but I guess under the urgency of the exams I can’t bring myself to spend a good few hours typing. It’s like a bus ram into my conscience; I’ll end up reminding myself that I should be revising instead of uploading crappy posts online.

But tonight is an exception. I guess I earned this little session here today.

Exam week is as crappy as it always is (and I believe always will be), and it’s the same routine of reading in utter relaxation until the horror of it all strikes 3 minutes before the paper. Then I go berserk muttering profanity while trying to cram whatever I could scavenge from my notes (and forget them subsequently). Then I sit for the paper and weep silently as I watch my CGPA crumble away into bitter grains of agony and regret, and flare up a next resolution to my innate procrastination.

And I know you should’ve guessed that those resolutions end up cast into a mental rubbish bin and incinerated at dawn break.

Well, two more papers to go; one tomorrow and another on Saturday. After that is a month’s worth of doing absolutely nothing perpendicular to self-improvement (save the few occasions of attempting to finish up a planned story… that’s self-improvement, right?).

I guess I can be satisfied with my Constitutional Frameworks and Politics paper… I answered smoothly, but there was that nagging feeling that I could’ve done way better (if I had studied). A pass is imminent, perhaps, but it should border between a C or a B. My BM is alright, and English for Mass Comm… I hope I got the formats right. And for some sick reason I was actually enjoying my discussion/opinion essay. I’m not saying that I did well (goodness sakes, I’ll be happy if I get to pass with that sort of essay), but it has been a while since I was actually enjoying my exam questions since those fiction/story essays you get to write at middle-school. Funny, though. I rarely find enjoyment in opinion essays.

But my Civilization paper… ugh, I practically spelt my first fail of my entire year of studying. Perhaps I should go plant a few joss sticks at the altar…

Tomorrow, journalism paper. Which I’m freaking out at. The fact that I’m in a Journalism major is piling eventual but totally unnecessary pressure into doing well in this paper. I mean, what would my mother say?

Mom: *gasps* OMG Jee-boy, you got a C for your journalism paper? WTF HLYSH*T (insert random Hokkien profanity)!!!!!!

Me: Yeah… well, can I have a break? I mean, I’m in a love predicament, and dad’s being an ass about his aquariums and stuff and I was in a non-drug-related ethereal state that affected my ability to write. Plus my clothes had been smelly. And it’s YOUR softener’s fault!

… Nope, not a good excuse…

Ah dang, I’ll worry about it tomorrow. Time I get some sleep.

Goodnight folks.

Word of the day:

erudite
Characterized by extensive reading or knowledge; learned.

Song of the day: The ending Dragonball theme song! (Romantic kura-reru no.., Romantic kura-reru no…)

Anime of the day: Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni (When the Cicadas cry).
Note: Creepiest Anime EVER.

Currently reading: Plethora of notes, notes, text books and notes. Plus the random newspaper comics. And blogs.

I’m jealous.

When I see how her face lit up when I ventured to ask her about him; the soft split of a smile that I know will happen no matter how she tries to hold it back, and the way her eyes stared past the diner table into a realm that only she can witness its beauty… I know I’ll be jealous for some time to come.

And her most recent blog entry spells out her every sweetness and warmth, and one could see how deeply plunged she is into this thing that we call love (well maybe not that deep… or maybe so, I dunno, and I don’t think I’ll ask her).

I’m worse than jealous (for a moment, I think)… I’m envious.

And it makes me regret myself (as if I don’t have enough of that), and what I should’ve done if I’m not such a complete and utter fool.

Regret is a painful thing to carry, and with this recent crapload of conscience and exam depression (which is rather non-existent right now, but it will soon), I think I’m gonna crack.

…ok, I won’t. If it somehow sounded like I’m going through a phase of emotional agony and immense frustration, well, I’m not. I’m just being a whiny idiot (for a change, though I believe the change is not large. I’m always whiny).

And if I somehow made it sound like all these stints of jealously are due to my affection for this ‘her’ that I’ve mentioned above… well, FYI, I’m not.

My jealously is due to her getting a BF right now (and if you don’t know what a BF is… well, it’s Big Foot. (>^-^)> LaMeNeSS <(^-^<) ). Mind you, I’m very happy for her… just that I can’t help but feel… you know…

But no, to be truthful, the biggest thing that hit me during the revelation of her getting a BF (still dunno what it is? It’s Blasphemous Fidelity) is that courage and honesty that brought them together. Because if it’s one thing I lack (in this pathetic situation I’m in), it’s that courage and that honesty. To just tell… to just say what’s there to say. To know what’s there to know. And to accept what’s there to accept.

I’ve been afraid to tell. I’ve been fearful to know. And I’m dead chickened-out to accept what other consequences that I might accept.

Easily put: I’M A FUCKING COWARD.

But somehow, I mean, strangely obvious somehow… I can’t help but feel that this; all this, in a way, unlocked a couple of doors. Doors that I kept closed and willed to close. Now they’re casually open, waiting me to just walk in and ignore whatever consequences that lies beyond.

I saw her today, and I had a burst of notion to just grab her hand and lead her somewhere, and then tell her. Cook up a cheesy line or 2, and try and make it sound as cool as possible (though I’m dead certain that I’ll stutter like mad they day I do), and just tell. Screw whatever’s coming. Come what may. Que Sera Sera. D.G.A.F (don’t give a fuck).

But I didn’t (of course, or this blog entry would sound waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different). Why? Well, it’s obvious, no? Starts with a ‘C’ (note that it’s capitalized) and finishes with an ‘oward’. Add ‘ice’ to the end.

And there’s always the possibility of mine having that notion is due to a burst of reckless inspiration the derived from my so mentioned jealousy, so no, not doing something reckless… no…

But sometimes being reckless is the thing… Sometimes recklessness can get you some places that careful thought wouldn’t (like going bungee jumping… I mean, what the heck? In the immensely rational mind diving off a bloody bridge with nothing but a length of bouncy rope attached to your feet is damnation spelled Suicide. But well, one can have some reckless fun. Geronimo!)

Still, the doors are still left open and unlocked…

Perhaps, one fine day, and soon, I’ll become reckless…

For the time being, I should just study for my exams (and I’m fucking blogging. Shit).

Goodnight people.

Word of the day:

insouciant
Marked by lighthearted unconcern or indifference; carefree; nonchalant.

(Insouciant is I)

Song of the day: Sokabasu (freckles) by Judy and Mary (Samurai X original soundtrack).

Good things come in handfuls…

You know, it’s often very difficult to find someone who understands you. Someone you can relate to, someone to share something that you’re so familiar with, someone who can easily sympathise and empathise with your plight and pains. Perhaps that is why we so often find ourselves closer to people whom you can recognise is going through a very similar endeavour. Perhaps that is why we so often find love within people who we understand, and who understands us.

But, if you think of it, perhaps to find someone who can CARE for you… isn’t it the harder search? You can find someone who understands you, but not necessarily cares about you. You can find someone who can give you advices that are proper but never sincere, but it may be harder to find someone who gives wholehearted advices (albeit rather useless ones).

So what should it be? Someone who is almost you, or someone who loves you?

Haha, pardon my sudden outburst of nonsense, but I guess one can get carried away with a sudden bloom of thoughts. And Ju Ee had been saying that I’ve always started my entries with “I should be sleeping now but…”, so here’s to break the chain.

But if I may, and much to my apologies, go further on this subject of Understanding VS Concern, I may safely say that there’s almost no one who can understand this oddball of an idiot that is me (not that there’s anything to understand… but perhaps simplicity can be complex at times). It’s difficult, in certain times, to not have someone whom you can relate and talk to, and comprehend in return (notice that in my case, I use the word ‘comprehend’). I’ve often felt left out (feeling is useless; in fact, I KNOW that I’m often left out), lonely and utterly miserable.

No, I’m not going to deem myself unfortunate and alone, because – much to my luck – I’m very much cared for. I have a mother who’s protective, a brother who may be an ass but oftentimes caring and a dad who gives me a lot of trouble but loves me all the same. I have friends who gave me advice, helped me, made me laugh when I’m bitter and taught me things that I never knew I could learn (like playing DOTA).

I consider myself very lucky. Though one or 2 individuals who can understand my plights would do very well at most times.

What a great couple of days! I’ve never felt so elated and brimming in a while (even the Langkawi trip seemed to had served to mock my sorry existence). I’ll just call myself fortunately fortunate. They say good things come in handfuls (or showers, cascades, plethora, avalanche, Christmas, the toilet and the likes), and indeed they have… though one can’t really shake away the few stubborn bad stains that stick like a persistent love grass to someone’s sweat pants.

So the good things are:

1) A great day with Rachel.

2) I finally managed to fix my laptop’s resolution problem. Thanks to my pal Ryan here (next chee cheong fun is my treat).

3) A WIFI internet router doesn’t cost as much as I thought, so I may be able to coax my dad into getting one (FINALLY! To be able to use the net without fear that my bro will suddenly take over and disrupt my surfing. And I get to watch por-… er… porcupine documentaries).

4) The new Artemis Fowl book is out (*confetti*).

5) The fact that I will be getting the above said book in a month’s time (*champagne*)

6) Watched Russell Peters and had the best of laughs.

7) Animax is here. Been watching it every time I managed to get my hands on the remote.

8) Ate the best Yong Tau Fu EVER! Ampang yong tau fu? Meh. Puchong Yong Tau Fu? Now we’re talking <(^-^)>

9) Bro got great results for his exams! WOOOOoooooTTTtttt! (he even got a full scholarship at another college! Man I’m jealous…).

10) I’m writing with VIBE. It’s been a long while.

… and the crappy things:

1) Dad’s constant nagging about bro’s decision to continue his PT work when his classes start.

2) Dad’s horrendously troublesome and somewhat tedious (recent) passion for having as many fish-habitants as possible and fixing up the most complex and beautiful settings with them.

3) Dad’s method of fixing things that are not broke.

4) Dad using the most complicated methods to fix the simplest thing.

5) Dad’s “you don’t talk shit to me.” Which is getting very old, by the way.

(I can actually sum everything above under category ‘Dad’ and save a great deal of space).

6) Exams are starting in a week’s time.

7) I haven’t been studying.

8) My ‘The Matrix: Path of Neo’ game is broke.

9) Despite the VIBE, my writing is not improving.

10) My listening to my brother’s complains for almost 4 days in a row now (which isn’t all that bad, but it can get depressing).

The day with Rachel turned out to be the most fun I had in a while. We had lunch, and walked around the Bukit Bintang area looking at PC hardwares, figurines and books. And Rachel is great company; she’s a great listener (or rather, I was too talkative that day), she’s funny and she’s cheery. We had some laughs and talked a lot (though I forgot what we spoke about, but at the end of the day my throat was dry). I haven’t had a day like this since a year ago, when I went out with Amanda for a movie and lunch. I went home so complacent and carefree that I forgot to study (muahahaha).

And Rachel reads a lot (and I mean A LOT) of books, and she’s (thankfully) not one who’s only proud to stick to one certain author or series (“Harry Potter is KING! Nothing else but Harry Potter!” “Hey, hey, you gotta read Narnia man, I mean, it’s like, NARNIA!” Whatever). For the first time in my life, I’m being pointed out about books and authors instead of me doing it.

Note: I’ve met with people who are exasperatingly and annoyingly proud of ONE certain author or book series. They don’t read anything else, and they think that those series or authors are the epitome and lord of literature (it’s true, that’s what they announce to every person unfortunate enough to listen to them). Come on, I mean, they ARE good, but heck to denounce everything else as crap and their favourites Kind of Novels… I have only one word: you suck. You don’t know what the heck reading is in the first place. And heaven knows how fucked-up it is when you go around talking about the same novel and praising it until your saliva depletes. Sheesh.

(My apologies if you happen to be like someone above. But do understand that they had been tormenting me with immense aggravation from their constant bragging, and condemning of other books).

It’s getting late now, so I guess I’ll end it here. Happy Merdeka to my fellow Malaysians.

Goodnight people.

Word of the day:

explicate
To explain; to clear of difficulties or obscurity.

Song of the day: Rocking the suburbs by Ben Folds.

Anime of the day: Bokura ga Ita (We were there) ep 6.

Movie of the day: The Ant Bully (While somewhat imaginative and entertaining, the plot and theme fell into such stale predictability that it ruins the great setting and ideas. And perhaps one CG movie where the big name actors failed to convey life into their characters. 3 stars out of 5).